Smash and Grab.

I should have been slack-shouldered,  eyes absorbing the misty green hills and the undulating highway, the heat blasting dry on my feet and the radio low on Sunday morning Talk.

I should have been thinking about the lavender-infused shortbread cookies, perfect bangs, orange towels, earnest laughter and truly kind, brilliant women, and I guess I was, but there was an underpinning of worry.  I kept biting my lip, fidgeting, glancing to the right at my Blackberry sticking out of my purse.  I left without saying my proper goodbyes, partially because I didn't want to disrupt Gwen's yoga session, and partially because I knew.  Something is wrong, something is wrong.

***

It took forever to get to the rust orange bridge.  There were airplanes and a sporting event and so logically there were snaking lines of eager American families, inching toward the city.  I glanced anxiously at the GPS estimated time to arrival, inched over the bridge.  There were yellow protest signs and a man with a six inch mohawk, and actually, no, that's a woman, awesome and please, please traffic hurry.

***

I think I knew for sure as soon as I pulled up.  He was late, they'd been at brunch, and I'd been circling Stockton for nearly half an hour.  His blue jacket was zippered shut and god he's so handsome and he leaned in to kiss me, hey baby, but I could already see something terrifying. 

I couldn't drive, the ugly cry bubbled, reared and wracked my body in sobs and I pulled over on a perilous 90 degree hill and put my head on the steering wheel.  I think we were there for an hour, maybe two, not talking, wiping snot and tears with hands because who the fuck cares now, anyway?  I thought: I should text our friends and tell them we can't make lunch.  I thought nothing and silently panicked in a wave of emotion.  How can you do this to me, how can you do this to us?

***

We stopped for coffee on Van Ness.  My face was puffy and my eyes nearly fused shut with emotion and he was bloodshot, but our only other option was SFO, for four hours, and coffee shop angst seemed vaguely superior to airport angst.   

***

We were gone twenty minutes, twenty five max, and when we came back, the passenger window of our rental car had been smashed. Shards of glass splattered on the sidewalk.  I put the GPS under the seat but they found it, and they took Corey's carry-on too, with his new jeans and my bra and yoga pants.  And his passport, the ticket home.

***

After that we learned that the Canadian embassy was closed for the Thanksgiving holiday - Corey wouldn't be able to get back to Canada for at least several days.  I had to get my son.  I couldn't see through the knives that kept stabbing my irises. 

Things went further and further south: there was a shitty, corrupt cab driver and a full hotel that politely informed us to move on, try again elsewhere, but we had no where else to go.   Travelocity put me on hold for almost an hour and a half just to cancel our flight.   The GPS was $ 500.00 to replace.  Shortbread cookies and misty vineyards were a world away.

***

He looks at me, for the fifteenth time that day, the small black flecks in his green eyes so familiar, so perfect.

"Baby, I need you to forgive this one thing. Please. Please."

I look at him and I love him more than I have ever loved a man, and imagining a life without him is imagining life without a giant chunk of my heart.  I look away so I don't start crying again. 

I still don't know how we're getting home.

 

Comments

[Trish]

AHH! what the F? what did he do? How horrible for you!!!I hope it's not what I think it is. All the love in the Universe your way, sounds like you need it.

[Elmwood]

my heart is pounding as I read this....I can't believe someone smashed your window--what in the hell do you do with a strangers passport and furthermore your bra?!?!? and WHAT is Corey so sorry for???
I'm sad you 'sound' so sad...

[Bethany]

I'm so sorry, but whatever it is, you are such a strong person and you will get through it.

[Sundry]

I feel gut-punched just reading this. And I don't know where you draw a line between a mistake—whatever it was—and an indication things aren't . . . fixable. I do know I'm glad the person in my life didn't give up on me and my mistakes, but it was hell and there weren't kids to worry about back then.

Ahhh. I'm just so sorry, K.

[Sharon]

Oh, Kristin. I'm so sorry. Please, please promise that you'll call one of your 'friends' here if you ever need ANYTHING. We have an extra room - you would've been welcome here no matter what the circumstances.

And whatever is up with Corey - well, I hope it gets better. Love to you, girlfriend, and I haven't even met you yet. My heart is aching for you today.

[beach]

Hugs.....

[jen]

oh my god. OH MY GOD!

[missy]

Hope things make more sense soon. So sorry you went through such a wonderful and then rough several days. :(

[whoorl]

I'm so worried, Kristin.

[a.]

I agree with Sundry. The line between workable and inexcusable seems so concrete until you reach it yourself.

I wish you the best.

[Kristin C.]

UGH. I feel for you Kristin. This must be so hard for you. I've been in your shoes...maybe not your EXACT shoes...but in the kind that feel like 'HOLY SHIT YOU'VE JUST FUCKED EVERYTHING. But I still love you more than my heart can bear' shoes.

Sending good, healing, restorative vibes your way.

[Liz]

Oh, honey. I am so sorry that you are here right now. I wish for anything to find the magic phrase that makes it all better. I hope against hope that you find the way through. With or without him.

My mistakes... well, I've made so many. Forgiveness of them has always prompted a capacity for change within me I didn't know was possible. But it's so subjective, and so dependent on what you can and cannot live without.

[sweetsalty kate]

Oh Kristin. I'm so sorry...

[mimi smartypants]

I am sad that your weekend ended this way. You were awesome to drive me all the way to Nowheresville and that awesomeness will get you through what you're going through. Thinking of you.

[Christy]

I'm hoping that whatever has happened, things are better now.

[Colleen]

I can't even imagine what he did. Please tell us he didn't! Hugs to you.

[/]

Oh man, I just don't know what to say. Maybe this one thing is something from his past that you have sort of mentioned before. I just hate that this is going on for you and Corey. No relationship is perfect, but some things are not acceptable and I hope this is not one of them. Big hugs K.

[Ali]

when you are at the bottom the only option is up. thank you for being brave enough to share at your most vulnerable time. you are always stronger than you recognize and whatever you choose will be right, so long as you choose mindfully.

[jonniker]

Oy oy oy. OY. I don't like where this is going. I hope you're okay.

[honeybecke]

oh, that was me who commented up there. "/" = honeybecke.

...and more big hugs!

[Cara]

Oh no. Oh shit...

[Shelly]

OMG. I hate hearing this. I so experienced something similar (or so it seems) myself this weekend. Thinking happy thoughts for you. Hope things start looking up.

[Danielle]

Oh, I hope that things turn out ok. Maybe the missing passport is a sign to stay and work through it!
I really hope it works out for you what ever it is!

[JennB33]

I hope things are ok.... and I'm sorry that we missed you in Northern Cali, we just got back last week. I'm hoping all is ok with you.

[hillary]

Kristin, I hope you are okay. If you need an unbiased ear to talk at and a pumpkin beer, I'm here for you. My stomach is twisty for you today, lady.