Realizations

The sun is warm on my lower back and I dig my toes deeper into the coarse dark grey sand, stretching on my towel.  There is a golden-eyed, buff young man laying beside me with his eyes half closed, smiling at me.  My hand is on his upper arm and I'm letting my fingers trail on the moist, sun-and-ocean soaked skin there and I'm smiling, too.

The sound of a harmonica floats past and I lift my head: in front of me on a beach-wrecked log sits a woman in her mid fifties, with long, silver flecked braids and a golden brown tan.  She is naked, oblong breasts hanging down, rife with stretch marks bearing witness to the years.  I know there is a wild bushel of hair peeking out, unobstructed, from between her thighs and I'm new here and it's hard not to look.  An angelic looking man with wide blue eyes sits beside her, he's wearing sand flecked underwear and he's strumming the guitar.  They start singing together, suddenly, and I whisper, "They don't know each other," because I saw them sit on the same log, arriving from different sides of the beach as strangers. Yet they're singing in perfect, fucked up harmony.  A young girl who looks like Hayden Panettiere sidles up from nowhere, and plunks down beside them, shaking a shell filled with sand. She sports a knot on top of her head, ocean-coarse hair spilling out from the loose bun, and her sarong spills off younger, perkier breasts.

I look around then, suddenly unashamed of my curiosity, and watch a matronly woman in a see-through gauze contraption walk toward us, she is singsonging "Mushroom rice krispie squares, hashish cookies"  She looks at us, smiling, and we shake our heads no, and she stops at the next spackle of beach layers.

There are tie-dyed sarongs for sale on the edge of the beach, an old couple holding hands, nude, in the surf.  There are young girls with no bikini tops and a plethora of men with curiously small penises, frolicking in the water .  There is the occasional gym monkey but for the most part the naked people are the normals: big butts, cellulite, saggy arms, weird nipples.  I'm wearing my bathing suit but so are half the people on the beach.  No one is in trouble for any of their choices here.

"Thanks for bringing me here, babe." I turn back to the man beside me, trailing my fingers down his spine, giving myself goosebumps in the process,"I love it."

***

I grew up in Vancouver and I've been back here for over 2 years now - I've known about Wreck Beach, everyone in the city does.  It's kind of got a reputation for housing a plethora of heavily out-of-shape  fifty-and-sixty something men who love to strut their naked stuff, and so at first I had little desire to hang out there.  And - yes - there are a lot of old naked dudes.  But there is also an atmosphere of stunning acceptance in an astonishingly beautiful setting that explodes with mountains, silver water, log booms and laissez faire.   And - after a few minutes - there becomes something inspiring about these people with imperfect bodies who make no apologies, who have no desire to wear coverups and blousy t-shirts, who are at peace, totally, with their outer shells.  I'm not saying I'll head there naked next time, but I didn't spend any time worrying about any extraneous butt cellulite while I was there.

***

For the last two years, I've been trying to fit my square peg into a round hole.  Maybe I'll like him if I close my eyes and concentrate hard, I thought, maybe I'm just not giving this dude the chance he deserves.  Maybe I'm a picky asshole, I have a lot of baggage and a lot of flaws myself, who am I to be holding out for Mr. Perfect when I'm so imperfect myself?

But so many of you emailed me - and commented - and some of you commented for years, yelling (in the most polite of ways, in various words) "Hold out, don't settle, when he's right, you'll know."

And so many of you were right.  I see him walk toward me, holding my eyes, and my stomach erupts with butterflies.  And yet there is a perfect, strong comfort we share in each other's company.  We scheme about business plans, share a profound appreciation for the hilarity of the absurd, we are as comfortable on the hiking trails and running paths as we are asleep next to each other. He is amazing with my son.

I haven't been writing because I've been spending every waking moment with him, and when he's not around, I feel like I'm missing a vital part of me.  It sounds so ridiculous, even to me, that this degree of emotion could erupt in such a short span but Internet, I've never felt like this. I've never been treated like this.  This intangible, perfect, emotional thing is what I've been searching for for so many years.  I am still kind of aghast that I've found it.

It's made me understand: never, ever settle.  Your perfect is out there. Don't accept anything less.

***

This emotion I felt in the moment of this snapshot, this bliss, remains the same.  I am grateful for the staid contentment that it's always brought me, that still remains.  But life is so much better when someone you feel deeply bears witness to it. It seems to matter more.

The view from my Jeep after a day at Wreck Beach.  I couldn't take pictures there, it's a gentlewoman's law, but I could take pictures of the car ride home.  This city is rad.  Come visit me.

After a meal of spicy miso ramen soup, we walked down the ocean path along the seawall, and stopped on a bench, gripping hands.  Seriously, I think this city invokes magic.

Gratuitous Unky Dave photo, taken by his girlfriend a few weekends ago.  I normally ask his permission but tonight I didn't.  He needs a haircut.

***

I hope I'm not boring you with happiness.  I know from working in blogs and from spewing my soul to the Internet for 6+ years now,  that trainwrecky sadness stimulates readership.  I've come to think of you all as my friends inside the computer.  I hope you'll stick around for this golden time, too.

Comments

[Lesley]

"But life is so much better when someone you feel deeply bears witness to it."

I read this statement a few times and realize I really like that you didn't say "feel deeply for". Feeling a person deeply. Yes I think this is how we each want to be felt. I know I do.

Btw, the Internet is thrilled for you. I know I am. (And extra pleased your new love is blossoming in summer...how great is that?)

[Tracey]

So happy for you and SO sticking around!

[alison bourne]

You are a new discovery of mine and your posts stir something deep within myself that I had long dismissed as unattainable childhood fantasies. Please continue to share as you are spreading hope for the rest of us unwilling to 'settle'. Happiness bordering on pure bliss is out there - so glad you found yours.

[ash]

I am so, so happy FOR YOU. So no, totally not boring me with happiness!

[Miellyn]

I am very, very happy for you! I know that stunned feeling you get when everything falls into place. Enjoy it, and don't stop writing!

[honeybecke]

of course i'll hang with you in your golden, happy time. i like it better, actually! very very happy for you, K.

[Mimi]

Love it. And I am so happy for you. Your guy sounds amazing.

[Lucy]

Man, stop reading now? And miss out on seeing you so bloody happy?

Not a chance.

(The photos of the hot boyfriend and brother also make it easy.)

[HouseofJules]

Sooooo happy for you! Definitely sticking around for the good stuff; frankly, it's refreshing. I just took a bunch of blogs out of my Reader b/c getting wrapped up in other people's misery was bringing me down on the daily. Glad you're walking on some sunshine... you totally deserve it!

[Ellie]

I'm not going anywhere either! I too am ridiculously happy/thrilled/elated/excited for you; my grin grew wider the further I got in to that post (and my family, sitting haphazardly around the loungeroom, think I'm nuts!).
Also: the 'never, ever settle' line gave me hope that someday I'll find a perfect-but-available man, as opposed to the perfect-but-ultimately-unavailable one I'm currently hung up on.
And finally....your brother is all kinds of handsome!!

[Niki]

I know how you feel. I couldn't even drink a cup of coffee without coach being there with me. We got married on May 2nd. Good stuff.
(Unky Dave is still hot)

[beach]

Hurrah for you and Corey!!... Iwill definitley stick around for the happiness, I am a sucker for "happily ever after"...plus girl, you have kissed your share of frogs....its about time the prince showed up!

[Annie]

I'm not going anywhere, your writing is amazing in good times and in bad. Here's to many, many more days and years of the good times.

[Colleen]

You make me tear up with happiness for you. I'm where you were 2 years ago. Looking, searching, wondering. I hope mine comes along soon. I'm really starting to miss him wherever and whoever he is.

[Nikki]

I love all the happiness. Keep on sharing. Your writing is beautiful. You are hysterical. Thanks for sharing your life.
From Vermont,
Nikki Stevens

[starrlife]

So happy for you! That is a wonderful feeling when all of those thick old doors get blown off their hinges and we can relate to someone from our truest selves! Hmmmm... great pics and a hunky Unky!

[jane]

With pleasure!

[Jamie]

I'm mid-internal-debate about things of this nature, so your happiness is crucial to me as perspective, hope, even a reminder of what CAN be, as opposed to what currently IS.

You deserve every ounce of what you have. Good things happen to good people!

[Thursday]

Actually, I don't think I WAS always polite about it, I may have even shouted at my screen but hey, you know I meant well because I know only too well that happiness does come.

[Kimberly]

I'm terribly happy for you! I love seeing people find what they've been looking for or finally accomplish something they've been striving for. It reminds me of the possibilities.

[Teej]

As you know I'm new to this city. A few weeks ago we were looking at a map for a new place to go and be tourists for the afternoon. We saw the sandy bit of beach at the end of UBC and thought that would be perfect to get some amazing views of the ocean, the ships and the island. We didn't see anyone nude that day but our friends had a laugh anyways at our expense.
We were told if you wore clothing that people would shout "PERV" at us but I'm glad to hear that's not the case because it's an amazing beach and I plan to go back when it gets hot and I'm far too pale to subject anyone to my ghostly bright white body.

So happy for you, have a magical summer in this amazing city.

[Danielle B]

I think it is awesome to read about happiness. It gives people hope.
Thanks for it

[Kgrrl]

I have no idea if I was polite years back - cause I'm sure you wouldn't have remembered my comments, ha!
But having the opportunity to witness first hand (though lately, ahem... must fix that this weekend, lol!) - Seeing the smile when he's around is too contagious for words. Again, gives me hope that I'll feel those butterflies again, as they are out there - just have to be open :)
and do you know I've never been to Wreck beach either? Friends of mine had their first date (as I told you) and 3 years later - more inseparable than ever.
So, maybe it's the beach? ha!
See you Saturday!!
xo

[Kate]

Your happiness isn't boring in the slightest. With every new post I find myself hoping more and more that your perfect just keeps on getting better. *hugs*

[Sarah]

i love this entry. i hope you're right. my friends say i'm too picky, but i'm not giving in. i want my perfect.