Awkward Soccer and a Conundrum

When you're tall and spindly and bad at Math, the grade school athletic coaches hunt you down.  They appraise your long arms and absent body fat and awkward gait and they think,"I am going to turn that pile of bones into a basketball machine."

They tell you to be on the volleyball court at 4:00 sharp, or at the high jump mats at 5:15, and though you protest about your woeful lack of coordination, they dismiss you with a wave of their authoritative heavily knuckled hands.  They've heard it all before, they can mould you into varsity greatness.

Until they force you to give it a go, heave out that old college try, and you can see their eyes rolling back in their sockets in horror, oh shit I made a mistake, this one's hopeless.

I got recruited for every single team sport from grade 7 to 12.  I knocked over tiny high jump bars, missed bang-on volleys, air-balled the basketball hoop.

"See?" my eyes would plead in frustration and humiliation,"I told you, I told you, I have no coordination."

And, OK, the well-meaning coach would nod, you're right. You suck.  Off to the track you go.

Track and field (minus the field) is the only sport I've ever been good at, and that's because running requires no special hand-eye coordination.  It's just adrenaline and grit and vibrating energy.  I've been told, though, that even when I run I look funny.  Like a constipated seal swirled with mutant rabbit.

My son has inherited his Father's athletic abilities, thank god, but also, screw you, Universe, because I'm the one who is forced to take him to the pre-schooler athletic events he loves so much.  Ball hockey wasn't so bad, because I could kind of hide behind my hockey stick, and plus girls aren't expected to play hockey.  But his little three-year-old soccer class has been one humiliation after another, including but not limited to:

1. My inability to hit the soccer ball with any appendage, most notably my feet.
2. An errant ballerina flat flying off my foot during one misguided attempt to connect my shoe to the soccer ball.
3. A collision with a gracefully athletic father of an adorable little girl (totally my fault)
4. A humiliating conversation with my own three year old that involved the words "Mommy, s'okay, you don't hafta play."

I am not sure what I am doing here, other than the fact that it is awkward and inappropriate for anything related to indoor toddler sport. Thank god my Mom was on hand to capture the magic!

N scored several goals, most times on empty nets.  I think he was the only kid who both cared and knew what he was doing, and several times I had to feebly call out that he needed to share the ball with the other kids, who were mostly twirling in concentric circles and staring at the ceiling, thinking about the deliciousness of their midday snack.

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Comments

[Elizabeth]

Have a fab weekend.

[Kellie]

Awww...you may suck at sports but you don't suck at being mommy. The fact that you do these things regardless of your insecurities is going to mean the world to Nolan.

As for this weekend? GO, GO, GO! Have a blast. My hubby and I agreed to go to NY together on our first date and 5 dates later we went. We were married 9 months later. Almost 8 years of marriage now and we still like each other. He didn't wear pink anklet socks on that trip, but he did scream and jump on the bed when we saw a spider in the room. Yes, I still married him.

[heidi]

excellent, have a FABULOUS weekend, you've so earned it, lady!

[Aphra]

My son is also very into sports and I am also not coordinated. But he is 6 now and parents don't have to do anything but sit on the sidelines and clap. That's a sport I can handle!

[Niki]

When its right you know. Enjoy your weekend and your whatever he is. Doesn't it suck to say boyfriend when you are over 30??

[beach]

as a mom of 2 boys(teens now) get ready, this is just the beginning.....I believe a lot of nolan sport watching is in your future!!!
enjoy tofino!!!you deserve it!!!

[mandy]

I don't think it is too soon. By date 7, my husband and I were engaged!

Just about anyway.

[sky girl]

6 or 7 dates is plenty long enough. Lots happens on 6 or 7 dates.

Pink Anklet socks be damned! Have a blast!

[moo]

My sister once dated this guy and about 2 weeks into their relationship, they took a cross-country driving trip. About three days into the trip, they broke up. But continued on the trip for the rest of the 10 days.

Some things you can only find out by being thrown into the fire.

On a totally separate note, how cute is your kid! He's going to be a STAR!

[emily]

Have fun!

[Ashley]

I think it's fantastic that you try. Don't worry, soon Nolan will be old enough that you can watch from the sidelines. Maybe you can be totally into it and become one of those crazed sports Moms... or maybe not.

Have a fantastic weekend. I am sure that it will be great.

[Jamie]

Oh, man, I want to go back to Tofino! I'm so jealous. Take me with you! (in a non-pervy, non-threesome way, of course)

Seriously, though, have a great time!

[melanie]

That would be me if anyone made me play soccer (or any other sport) with my child. Still, I pray she is way more coordinated than I am.

[Brittany]

My son shows that same athleticism you talk about, just not all the time. And it's a tough call which is harder:

When he IS athletic, I'm embarrassed to be falling on my ass all over the sidelines. But when he ISN'T, I know that everyone realizes I bear the genetic responsibility.

So I stand as straight and still as possible and resist the urge to regale the other parents with the story of how I once fractured my tailbone during calisthenics in freshman gym. Because running backward across the basketball court required just a SMIDGE too much coordination.

So good luck with that. And by the way, if we're picking sides in this whole wedding ring *thing* with Ms Single Mama, I'm on yours, no question. Trust, you wouldn't want me at your back during an ACTUAL fight, but here on the Internet? I'm a scrapper.

[Angella]

I was engaged after 6 or 7 dates, so a weekend away?

Totally normal. Have fun!

[jason]

I am on the opposite side - I am a fairly good athlete with a tall gangly son. I coach soccer and he is what we call a flower picker. Him and another FP actually stopped mid game to play invisible Lego.

I could not love him more though.

Tofino is my second favourite vacation. We stayed at Middlebeach - swam in the icy ocean - saw whales - held hands.

So nice.

J.

[Lauren]

I'm jealous. Have a fabulous weekend!

[Denise]

To heck with anyone else's preconceived rules: you know you and your heart better than anyone so, if you think you're both ready, go and enjoy!

[ponthei]

Go for it! Enjoy your weekend :) I'm admittedly not as 'fast' ;) as some of the other commentators but I decided to move across the ocean with my current (and hopefully forever) man after about 4 months and 2 1/2 years later it's still going beautifully :)

[Leah]

If you're comfortable enough to go away for a weekend now, I think that is AWESOME. I've always known within six or seven times of meeting someone whether there was "something" there. Good luck and have a great time!

[Annie]

Tofino?? Well done!! I am so jealous as it is one of my favourite places on earth. I hope you have an amazing weekend and enjoy every minute of it, who knows you may even get engaged like one of the other posters!! :)

[K]

Good for you! Enjoy your weekend. You have to get to know him somehow!!! And Tofino? NICE! It's supposed to be nicer this weekend on the island, so hopefully it holds up up-island too!
Nice work on the kidling, good to get him out there young!

[Hope]

One summer I decided to play t-ball. HUGE mistake. I stood in the sweltering July sun with my glove on my head as a hat to give me some shade. I got back in the car, my mother looked at me and said 'NEVER AGAIN WILL I WATCH YOU STAND THERE WITH A GLOVE ON YOUR HEAD WHILE I SWEAT MY ASS OFF ON THE BLEACHERS!' I can't believe I had the balls to ask to play again the next summer. I didn't after being laughed at for even thinking I could ask such a question.

Good luck this weekend!

[joyce]

you're a floozy.

KIDDING!!! My husband decided after about date 6 or 7 to move from Montreal to Vancouver with me!

Have fun fun fun!

[MommyMoments]

Don't feel bad.. I suck at sports too..

Have fun on the trip!