Ten years on

My brother's girlfriend called just as I was de-clumping a gangle of eyelashes.  She looked after N while I was at the Foo Fighters concert the other night and wouldn't accept any money for it. I told her I'd get her something when I was in New York.
"If you're by a W Hotel,"she said,"The foaming facewash -- Bliss."
"Ooh, I know it,"I replied,"Yeah. You got it.  Hey, I have to run -- I'm meeting an ex-boyfriend for dinner, it's weird.  I'll call you as soon as I get back."
"Meeting an ex?"she echoed,"Ooh."
"It better not be that loser dickwad Phil,"my brother's muffled voice floated from the other side of the telephone line.
"Dickwad?" his girlfriend giggled,"Who says that?"

***

I felt my hands shaking as I applied a coat of lipgloss, positioned my bangs to hide my deepening layer of forehead wrinkles.  I don't know why I cared; it's not like I harboured any secret longings for reconciliation.  Dude cheated on me seven bazillion times, the last time with a hawk-nosed waitress at the pub we frequented for years together.  The last time I'd seen him was at a grocery store line-up 3 years ago , and he was wearing lululemon yoga pants for men. I concentrated on my bracelet and stared down until I felt him leave.

***

"You look good," he said and hugged me and I felt my nonexistent boobs press into his precise jacket.  He stood back as if to say,"And how do I look?"
"Thank you," I said, and sat down across from him in the near empty restaurant.

It's an odd thing, sitting across from someone who knew you intimately a decade ago, who knows nothing about you now.  It was disconcerting to look into his dark brown eyes and see snippets, sudden and furious, of a life that's now floating in an incredible parallel: a vacation on V-town island, pink wine in mugs and hamburger helper, a red Jeep with nineties rock, white shirts with restaurant-issued ties, the smell of fries and gravy and vodka tonics on groping, hungry young hands.  Those moments were there, and yet completely out of reach, and I could see him grasping for a commonality in my eyes, too.

In my head I said:  Why did you cheat on me so many times?  Am I crappy in bed, was I not vehement enough, was it that I needed to learn how to command respect?  What have you been doing the last ten years, and why did your Facebook profile disappear?  Is cheating chronic?  Why is your hair frosted and is that a fake tan?

Instead I said," How are you, Phil?  Really, how are you?"

He talked of money, how much he made, about his young girlfriend studying for her law degree in India.  His money, how much he had, and how all women care about is money.  He sometimes tells them he's a Parking Attendant, you know, as a funny joke.

I laughed uncomfortably and pounded my glass of wine too quickly.  He was going to open a coffee shop in V-town, one of his billions of financial endeavours, and I told him the place of my favorite coffee shop in the city.  He input it in his Blackberry, promising to check it out.

***

In the end, we hugged awkwardly.  He still smells the same.  I wonder if our personal fragrance stays with us for life.  His signature is leather, day-old-shampoo and a summer night's neck, fueled with arrogance and a little bit of fear.
"Stay in touch,"I said.  I knew he wouldn't.  I knew I didn't want him to.

I got a text message from him during a presentation at Camp Baby:
"Went to Turks today.  Not a good coffee.  These places have good coffee."  And he listed three superior coffee shops in the city, smugness screaming in silent red all over his correction.

I deleted his text message. Onward and upward, and no more looking back.  Ten years ago, he broke my heart.  Ten years later, I am intensely grateful he did.

Comments

[Thursday]

'Tis a strange and wonderful thing, this healing of heart.

[wn]

cathartic post..:*)

[Miellyn]

I wonder, in ten years time will you feel the same about Nolans dad? Oh how I would like to be able to have a peek at the future..

[mandy]

Sometimes, I can't imagine having been so in love with someone I use to love. I didn't think love ever ended, if that is true, what was that intense pulling we felt then?

You can paint a picture, so vivid, it's beautiful.

[Christina]

Life leads us down the paths we go for a reason. All things in this life happen for a reason that we will one day see very clearly.

[Ashley]

That text message makes me want to slap him. You have much more restraint than me, if I received that message I wouldn't be able to delete it. I would let it fester and then would respond with some snitty comment that would then make me angry that I couldn't be a bigger person and just let it go.

[Heather B.]

This will probably show my age but dude sounds like a tool. The end.

Also the next time that I spend 30 minutes talking to you in a bar, I need to have photographic evidence. Or else no one is going to believe me. Oh and an email is forthcoming.

[Sarah]

Beautiful post.

Isn't that a calming, reassuring, good feeling? You killed me 10 years ago, and I'm better for it, I lived because of it. Almost worth a 'thank you'.

[Danielle]

ick.

Isn't is so refreshing? Cleansing? To finally feel right about someone breaking your heart. To feel glad that *that* isn't your life...

[melanie]

Ha! Dickwad. I think maybe your brother had it right - who talks about money all the time and then disses your favourite coffee shop? Even though you put your feelings out there for all of us to see and probably feel vulnerable because of it you are so much stronger than that guy.

[Leah]

Good riddance. Sigh.

[Monica C.]

First of all, this? Is hilarious:

"You look good," he said and hugged me and I felt my nonexistent boobs press into his precise jacket. He stood back as if to say,"And how do I look?"
"Thank you," I said, and sat down across from him in the near empty restaurant.

Also, BTDT, with the ex. But I was happy because I had everything I didn't have and desperately wanted back then: husband, two children, law degree, career as an attorney, money, etc., and he was unhappily still single, no kids, etc. I actually don't think he'll ever get married. And yes, I believe that once a *chronic*, habitual cheater, always a cheater.

[doug]

There's no accounting for poor taste.

And I use the word dickwad, although lately I lean to dickhead.

[Amanda Brown]

Talk about closure. It must feel good to know that his leaving your life path (man, that sounds fruity) was a good thing. He frosts his hair? That's almost as bad as cuddling on the chair lift.

[jason]

Parking attendant? That's pure gold.

Oh Phil - what a card.

j.

[Amy]

I only have time to extend a completely genuine and utterly stressless invitation for coffee, of your choosing, when you come to New York. Should there be time and/or inclination.

[Marigoldie]

This is such a well-written post, and oh my gosh yes, there's nothing like a clear reminder that what's done is done.

[Tamara]

I love that 10 years gives us such a nice comfortable distance with the tools of our past, I hate that it takes 10 years to get there.

[Lgirl]

Bro's gal Pal, is she the hat girl?
Is the hat a goner?

[Suebob]

Hey, I dated a dickwad named Phil, too! Small world.

[Kristin]

Lgirl: the pink hat has mysteriously disappeared.

[Kristin]

Lgirl: the pink hat has mysteriously disappeared.

[Kathryn]

I've had 1 negative comment on my blog in 3 years and it made me feel ill for DAYS.

She doesn't know you. None of us do, except for you and your son. (and your brother maybe?)

Even if she does know something about your previous life (and previous relationship), it isn't something relevant to your current life.

Also, fuck her.

[Kathryn]

Oops, that comment was meant for the troll post.

[Lgirl]

I think the Dog ate the pink hat and pooped it in a colourful array on your neighbours front lawn!LOL!