Poop keeps on landing on my lawn

There's no door bell in this house, and knocks startle me.  They don't happen very often, and I always assume the worst: a door-to-door salesperson who will undoubtedly provoke my empathy and empty my wallet, a lost geriatric fearing stalkers,intent on my inadept help, a bottle picker counting on a rampage in my house.  Since Jordi exited, I feel a lot more vulnerable in my own home, especially in light of my knack for attracting crazies.

So when three sharp raps interrupted my proposal creation process last week, I was tempted to ignore it.  The problem, however, is a semi-translucent 70's yellow window that allows door-knockers to peer in and see my misshapen silhouette.  There's nowhere to hide.

I rose from my deck and opened the patio doors so I could peer from a perch to the front door.

Oh no.  Not her.

"I'm afraid it's me again,"she said grimly, grey hair in a tightly undercapped bob, uncoloured eyes small slits in a world-weary face,"And I'm here to complain.  Again."

"Oh no," I said, remembering her grim relay of Jordi's poop on her lawn,"What is it?"
"I don't think it's you,"she said,"But -- your brother?  is it your brother who lives here with you?"
"Well, kind of, but right now no," I replied, not sure how much to release,"He's renovating the basement."
"Well, it's his dog, then," she said, intonating dog like stained underwear fallen out of a pantleg in a supermarket,"He is pooping on my lawn."
"Oh, no,"I said again,"Really?  He ties him up when he's in the garage and mostly keeps him in the house while he's working.  Really?"
"Well,"she said dryly,"I don't know who else would be pooping on my lawn."

There is no fence between the houses, I don't know what to say.

"You know," I said,"I have a conference call in five minutes but afterward I'll come over and clean it up.  Please be assured it will never happen again."
She rolled her eyes: I've heard that one before.

I went over, later, in my awkward lululemon capris, stubbled whiteness glowing, stooping amidst dishevelled grass blades looking for poop.  I found some nearly decomposed, near her compost heap, and I scooped it up diligently, resolving to kick my brother's ass next time I saw him. I swear I covered every inch of her lawn (it's not that big) and found nothing more.

I talked to my brother that night: he bought a bottle of nice BC red to bring over, and wrote a note of apology, even though he was totally perplexed about when/how Tyee would have escaped into the Yard of Disgruntlement to relieve himself.

I told him to withhold his apology two days later, when I saw that there was...flung poop, in random shapes and sizes, all over our yard.  Some were tiny (definitely not chocolate lab poop) and some were ten years old.  There were various piles, all landed neatly just over the property line.

"Other people are letting their animals poop in her yard,"I said to my brother," She is flinging random poop into our yard. You should bring over the wine and the note, and add an addendum that perhaps the tiny Maltese poops belong to another neighbour, and that  perhaps she should be flinging that goddamned shit on their lawns."

This afternoon I was sitting with my laptop on my deck, enjoying the streaming sun, when I felt like someone was watching me.  I looked to the right and her head was out the third floor window of her too-big house, and she looked away sharply as I glanced.

I couldn't help myself.
"We received your poop,"I said.
She withdrew sharply from the window without saying anything, and I continued clacking away.  Suburbia is messed up.

***

The accused and his enabler.

In the forest, safe from haters.

We have better things to do.

Comments

[Niki P.]

Did you ever think you would be writing a whole post about dog poop? To add insult to injury the dog poop isn't even yours.
People suck sometimes.

[Lgirl]

"We received your poop!" LOL

As much as I'd love to blame certain people about the poopers that are deposited on our front lawn, I'd have to spy out my window consistently to see with my own eyes and possibly video evidence before I'd point fingers. Good grief.

[Stephanie]

Wait, she honestly picked up a bunch of old random dog poop and threw it in your yard? Seriously? I barely pick up my own dogs poop in our yard. I can't imagine picking it up and throwing it. I hope she was wearing gloves.

[Stacy]

She may be a poop flinger, but at least you've got your dignity! Some people kids..right?!
Love your photo's...They're amazingly beautiful!!

[Christina]

Wow that is some anger toward poop... ;)

[Christina]

from her, not you... Sorry should have clarified!

[Shannon]

You are my hero. I don't know what I would have done...put it back on her property?

I'm glad you had better things to do. Beautiful day!

[Reid]

1. Pick up her poop.
2. Put in brown paper bag.
3. Set bag on her doorstep.
4. Light on fire.
5. Ring doorbell.
6. Run like hell.
7. Enjoy.

[Marla]

Feed the dog some canned corn (it doesn't digest, and it passes through whole, it's not uncomfortable and no harm done). Keep a "sample". Bring it over, and explain to her: "We've made it easy for everyone to identify our dog's poo. So,from now on, if it doesn't have corn in it, it's not our poo, OKAY?" with canned sweet potatoes, which will make the poops an identifiable orange - but it's not as startling an explanation. I know FOR SURE that this works. Don't ask, I just know.

[Anna]

We have a neighbor that is offended by the smell of a barbecue. He even asked us to let him know when we intend to barbecue, so he could close all the windows in his house! Why do people with issues like this not choose to live in rural areas, where they don't have close neighbors??

[birdgal]

That woman is CRAZY and obviously has no life (and is acting, oh, 3 years old). Poop on her!

[Jamie]

LMAO - Reid is right.

That being said, I cannot believe a woman who has a compost pile in her backyard would be offended by a little poop here and there. She should just pick it up, toss it into the compost, and be thankful for how beautiful her petunias look this summer.

[Ky Eliza]

Crappy neighbors can be so awful. My driveway is very narrow, and runs right alongside my house. There is a six-foot strip of grass between my driveway and my neighbor's, and she once called the cops on me for shovelling snow onto that strip of land. Even though the snow landed on our side, and there was no other place to put it, because, you know, there is a HOUSE on the other side of it.

And she once let loose with a stream of expletives at me, f this and f that, and you c-word, because she found a gutter lying half on her part of the six foot strip of land. Even though CONTRACTORS had been at my house FOR DAYS and work was clearly being done on it. Obviously, *I* was the one who put the gutter on her lawn, just to piss her off.

Her house is currently for sale and I am torn between wanting her the hell out and vindictively hoping she can't sell it because the market is so soft.

I feel for you!

[heathercoo]

Wow I feel your pain, at least your neighbour didn't tell you to your face that your dog should be put down and is a danger to society. Even though your dog never did anything and has never even barked outside. Some people just look for a reason to complain and be rude. Every time I see my neighbour now I smile and wave and she just scowls and walks away. I suggest you do the same.

[Val]

That's awful!
Neighbors can be horrible...and believe me, our neighbor has a dog that barks constantly...we can't even sit out back to enjoy our pool without the dog barking at us.
But I understand, I have a dog...although tiny. So as a nice neighbor I politely asked him to bring the dog in when we have company, and they do.
I would never fling poop at them...I feel for you.
But I LOVED your comment to her!

[Becky]

That was great! I'm so glad you said something to her. Its sometimes so easy to just let things go on, because we don't want to confront someone. What you said was perfect! I'm still chuckling.

[Groovymarlin]

What a loser. I'm guessing that folks around the neighborhood have been letting their dogs poop in the crazy lady's yard for years, and she is only picking on you now because she's exhausted every other avenue. Can't you just tell what a nosy old geezer she is, the way that she asked about "that man who lives with you?" Sheesh.

[Marie]

Your neighbor must be the identical twin sister of our old downstairs neighbor in our condo. She would keep track of how many loads of laundry we did because it was loud and disturbed her. Once she swept up some dust and "construction debris" as she called it that had fallen from our deck onto her ground level patio and dumped it in a little pile outside our door, on the carpet. Freak.

Anyway, I feel your crazy neighbor pain. And your "We've received your poop" line was awesome.

[Shannon]

"We received your poop" HAaaaahahaaa sooo funny!

[mamatulip]

I don't understand how she knows it's Tyee's poop. Am I missing something? Are there no other dogs in your 'hood that might happen to drop some homeboys off on her front lawn?

[Kris]

OK I have serious rage issues towards unscrupulous and harrassing neighbors. For god sakes, fling it back. At least contact your local police detachment and have them send her a cease and desist order for poop flinging. When my neighbours told us our cat was pooping in their garden and I explained that my cat NEVER goes out because she is declawed they didn't believe me. It wasn't until I started picking up every stray that wandered into my yard on their front doorstep, rung the bell and said "THIS IS NOT MY CAT". After 12 different cats they left us alone. Hehe. You live in one seriously messed up area.

[Penny]

I love a good poop-war! Bring it on!

[Angella]

SHE FLUNG POOP ON YOUR LAWN???

I say you package it up, place it on her porch, and set it on fire.

That'll teach her.

[Tamara]

Kris's comment cracks me up. "This is not my cat." I kind of want that on a t-shirt even though it would make no sense out of context.

[McWriter]

It's like you're having your very own presidential election, right in your own yard. How symbolic of you. :o)